Unspoken...

I'm feeling frustrated. Mainly with myself. I am frustrated because I have such a difficult time expressing how I feel verbally. And I see it severely impacting my relationships especially those I care about the most. It's so hard because I have feelings about things and I am at a loss of how I can express them. It's like it all just gets stuck in my throat and never comes out. It's so frustrating to have all these feelings swell up inside of you but don't know how to let it out. When I get mad or upset or even when I'm really happy it just gets stuck inside and so it's just me with my feelings. Why can't I say how I feel? I want to so much but it's like I'm frozen. The only way I know how to let it out is through tears or going for a walk or jog, or on paper. But even on paper it takes me a long time to figure it out. My journals are the only ones that really know me. But who wants to read another person's journal and who would let someone else read their journal?

I feel like people are slipping away and I feel like it's my fault. Maybe I'm wrong but how deep can friendships and relationships go if one is so held back? I feel like a baby just learning how to speak. Learning to associate words with objects and feelings and right now any attempt I make just sounds like jibberish. I sense that people are frustrated with me and are waiting for me to share. But I feel lost in my own whirlwind of emotions and I don't know how to get out.